Connecting in Comfort

This is a slightly more vulnerable post for me as it exposes a few things in me that I recognise must be worked on.

The other day, I had a conversation with someone very dear to me. We were talking about our expectations for the future and the goals we would like to achieve. I asked them where they felt they were in terms of fulfilling goals they may have in mind at this current stage of their life. Their response wasn’t just a direct answer. As they answered my questions, they were weaving in some personal feelings surrounding the matter at hand. However, after they finished speaking, rather than acknowledging the fact that they had sprinkled in some deeper feelings and reasons for their current decisions and thoughts, I just grabbed the main points and sort of listed them out. For example: “So as a whole your main focuses are X, Y and Z.” They looked at me, a small smile crossed their face, but not from happiness. It came across as a slight disappointment, as though I had missed something. Although I can’t remember word for word, their response was something along the lines of: “You kind of just took everything I said and put it into bullet points. What about the little sparks of deeper things I put in there, like how I feel?” I paused. And I realised what I had done. It was as if I had dismissed their feelings and was only paying attention to the practical steps they had mentioned. 

As a result, the conversation flipped. They kindly asked me whether that is simply how my brain worked, and, if so, for how long, as they wanted to understand me better and how I handle conversations when a lot of information is given. I explained that it is very much how my brain works, and I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. They were curious as to whether I sometimes experience absent-mindedness in conversation. It made me sad to admit that, yes. Unfortunately, many times in conversations, my mind has trailed off without me realising and before I know it, I’ve missed half of what has been said. It breaks my heart because I genuinely do care and have an interest in the lives of others. I apologised to them for the fact that my response came across as though I hadn’t properly paid attention to what they were truly sharing. They weren’t just stating facts like bullet points. They were sharing their heart with me, and I had so easily summarised it into things that they want to check off, as if we were in some sort of business meeting discussing strategy. 

This person is one of the best people I’ve ever had enter into my life. They’ve become the definition of a good friend. In the midst of all this conversation, they didn’t judge me, become petty or act like a victim because I didn’t give the response they expected. Instead, they made the effort to understand me and actually helped me to see how this is something I should work on. The next question I was asked was whether this way of handling what I had been told was maybe a result of not feeling understood in the past. In that moment, it was like a spark lit up in my mind. As I responded to this question, I could see how experiences in the past had definitely affected how I listened to others. For instance, many times I would share something I was dealing with, and the response would be along the lines of “I’m really sorry to hear that, that’s tough, I’ll pray for you.” or instead I’d receive a glorious lecture filled with opinion, advice and various options of solutions when all I wanted was to tell them what was on my mind. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m also grateful for prayer, and I highly value receiving advice from others, especially my elders, but many times I didn’t feel like the person was really understanding me. As a result, I wanted to try to make sure that I didn’t do the same thing to someone else who may feel the same way as me. I would ask more questions with the intention that the individual would know I’m listening, making the effort to understand, and truly wanting to take in what they were sharing. I’d also sometimes ask certain questions to maybe help them process what was going on and see if it could help them come to a point of clarity, depending on the situation. This was such a brilliant question! It woke me up to the fact that, in all my effort to make sure the person knew I had been listening, I’d become so focused on taking note of what they were saying that I had not trained up my ability to comfort them. It was at that moment that I identified that I had put ‘listening’ and ‘comforting’ in the same box when, in fact, they are not the same thing.

The only way this individual could ask such a good question was because they had truly listened to me when I had previously opened up to them about my struggles with friendships, rejection and wanting to fit in when I was younger. But the reason I could keep going back to them with real pains, hurts, and worries was because they would also find a way to comfort me. This would cause me to feel understood, loved and safe. Listening and comforting were put together, and that’s why I’d always feel so much better after having a vulnerable conversation with them. I had become so focused on listening to someone that I would categorise what they’d say so that I didn’t miss anything, but accidentally put the emotions to one side. It was never a conscious decision! I care deeply about the emotions of those around me, but I can admit that I’ve had times where I’ve struggled to know how to comfort someone in the midst of their pain. 

This conversation wasn’t the easiest for me. Not because it hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable, but because it exposed something that was not right in me. But the great thing with moments like these is that I don’t need to sit in a puddle with a ‘woe is me’ mentality. I can take in what my friend had said and do something about it to become better. I now know that my idea of ‘being there for someone’ needs to change. I must learn how to balance listening to what I’m being told and comfort the individual when I can see they are being vulnerable and wearing their heart on their sleeve. I would love to become a woman whom others, guy or gal, would feel safe to speak with me, just as I feel safe with this friend who helped open my eyes. 

Interestingly, when I first properly connected with this person approximately 3 years ago, they weren’t the type of individual to share what they were thinking. It took time before they truly started to open up to me with real thoughts and feelings. This makes it 10x more important for me to make sure I learn how to comfort others, as it’s not easy for everyone to say how they feel or what they’re thinking. You don’t always know the next time they’ll do that, so it is essential to learn how to know when to listen and when to comfort. And comfort doesn’t always have to be words. It can also be a gentle silence and a warm hug. 

I will end this blog by stating the same thing that my friend said at the end of our conversation. They reminded me that men and women often process differently. Woman generally process their thoughts and feelings with someone, whereas it is more common for me to process independently first before bringing it up with someone else. This was a golden nugget for me, as it can help me learn how to analyse which approach is better depending on whom I am talking to. Obviously, each person is different; I’m not saying all men and all women are identical in how they handle vulnerable conversations, but this is a strong place to start and is still valuable advice. 

So remember, listening and comforting are not the same. Always take time to listen to what the matter is and acknowledge how they are feeling so that you are able to comfort them and uplift them in the way that is needed in that moment. 

Love,

me. 🤍